Tag: racc

Who wrote “Os Lusíadas”? – to laugh

On By estrangedztIn LOL, PortugalLeave a comment

One morning, the Teacher asks the student:

– Tell me who wrote “Os Lusíadas”?

The student, stuttering, responds:

– I don’t know, Mrs. Teacher, but it wasn’t me.

And he starts to cry. The teacher, furious, tells him:

– Well then, in the afternoon, I want to talk to your Father.

In conversation with his Father, the Teacher complains to him:

– I don’t understand your son. I asked him who wrote “Os Lusíadas” and he replied that he didn’t know, that it wasn’t him…

The Father says:

– Well, he’s not usually a liar, if he says he wasn’t, it’s because he wasn’t. I could not say the same about he’s brother…

Annoyed with such ignorance, the Teacher decides to go home and, on the way she passes by the local police post and the Post Commander tells her:

– Looks like the day didn’t go very well for you…

– It seems so. Imagine that I asked a student who wrote “Os Lusíadas” and he replied that he didn’t know, that it wasn’t him, and he started to cry.

The Post Commander:

– Do not worry. We call the kid and we give him a “squeeze”, you’ll see that he confesses everything!

With her hair standing on end, the Teacher comes home and finds her husband sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper. He asks her:

– So the day went well?

– Well, let me see. Today I asked a student who wrote “Os Lusíadas”. He started to stutter, that he didn’t know, that it hadn’t been him and began to cry. His Father tells me he’s not usually a liar. The Post Commander wants to call him and force him to confess. What shall I do with this?

The husband, comforting her:

– Look, forget it. Have dinner, sleep and tomorrow everything will be resolved. You’ll see that maybe it was you and you don’t remember anymore…!

Mine are better than yours…

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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world”
The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”

****

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today” Les says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

****

He said “Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.”
She said “Well, you succeeded.”


****

He said “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said “That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart”.

****

He said “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.”

****

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

****

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.”
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

Jokes… LOL

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IN A JOB INTERVIEW
– Sex?
– 3 times per week
– No… I mean male or female?
– Doesn’t matter!

Do you know what’s worse than a pebble in your shoe?
A grain of sand in the condom….!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing GOD she asked “Is my time up?” GOD said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a
tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of GOD, she demanded, “I thought You said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t You pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
(You will love this!!!)
GOD replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”

American joke

On By estrangedztIn LOL, WorldLeave a comment

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

“HU’S ON FIRST

By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Like dog… like owner

On By estrangedztIn LOL, Portugal, tipsLeave a comment

“Like owner, like dog”

Descrição: image001.gif@01CE952E.505DC580
The Engineer ordered his dog:
– Project, show your skills!
The little dog took a hammer, some boards and in an instant built a doghouse. Everyone admitted it was a feat.
Descrição: image002.gif@01CE952E.505DC580
The Accountant said his dog could do something better:
– Cash Flow, show your skills!
The dog went to the kitchen, returned with 24 muffins, divided the 24 muffins into 8 piles of 3 muffins each. Everyone admitted he was genius.
Descrição: image003.gif@01CE952E.505DC580
The Chemist said his dog could do something even better:
– Oxide, show your skills!
Oxide went to the fridge, took a liter of milk, some bananas, put everything in a blender and made a smoothie. Everyone accepted that it was awesome.
Descrição: image004.gif@01CE952E.505DC580
The IT person knew he could win everyone:
– Megabyte, come on!
Megabyte crossed the room, turned on the computer, checked for viruses, resized the operating system, sent an email and installed an excellent game. Everyone knew that this one was very difficult to overcome.

Everyone looked at the Politician and said: – And your dog, what can it do?

The Politician called his dog and said:
– Deputy, show your skills!
Deputy in one jump, ate the dumplings, drank the milkshake, shit in the house, erased all the files from the computer, took engineering on Sunday, got his doctorate without going to classes, made a mess with the other dogs, expelled everyone exhibiting a false title to property. Then he claimed parliamentary immunity…

More real than this is impossible!

And… It’s not fiction!

Excelent way to discover vocations!

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Brick Method for Hiring Employees

The method consists of:

1- Place all candidates in a warehouse
2- Make 200 bricks available for each one.
3- Don’t give any guidance on what to do.
4- Lock them there.

After six hours, go back and check what you’ve done.
Below is the analysis of the results:

1 – Those who counted the bricks, hire them as Accountants.

2 – Those who counted and then recounted the bricks are Auditors.

3 – Those who scattered the bricks are Engineers.

4 – Those who have arranged the bricks in a very strange way, difficult to understand, place them in the Production Control Planning, Projects and Implementation.

5 – Those who are throwing bricks at each other, place them in Operations.

6 – Those who are sleeping, put them in Security.

7 – Those who have chopped the bricks into pieces and are trying to assemble them again, should go straight to Information Technology.

8 – Those who are sitting around doing nothing or chatting, go to Human Resources.

9 – Those who say that they did everything to reduce the stock, but the competition is unfair and it will be necessary to think about greater facilities, are natural Sellers.

10 – Those who have already left are Administrators.

11 – Those who are looking out the window with their gaze lost in infinity, are responsible for Strategic Planning.

12 – Those who are talking to each other with their hands in their pockets demonstrating that they have not even touched the bricks and would never do that, greet them with great respect and place them in the Board.

13 – Those who built a wall and hid behind are from the Marketing Department.

14 – Those who claim not to see any bricks in the warehouse are lawyers, refer them to the Legal Department.

15 – Those who complain that the bricks “are rubbish, without identification, without standardization and with wrong measurements”, place them in Quality Control.

Yours sincerely,

The Chief Psychologist

The two nuns

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Two nuns left the convent to sell cookies

One was known as: Math Sister.

The other as: Logical Sister.

It is getting dark and we are still far from the convent! – Sister Mathematics says with concern.

And have you noticed that a man has been following us for half an hour? Says Sister Logic, apprehensive.

Yes, what does he want?

Of course, he only wants one thing: to abuse us!

Oh no ! If we continue at this pace it will reach us in less than 5 minutes. We have to speed up the pace!

But it is not working because he did the only logical thing to do: he also started walking faster!

And now what are we going to do?

The only logical thing that remains for us to do is to separate. Sister goes this way and I go the other way. So he will not be able to follow both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logic.

Sister Mathematics arrived at the convent worried about what might have happened to Brother Logic and began to pray non-stop.

After a long time, Sister Logica arrives.

Logic Sister! Thank God it arrived! Tell me what happened?

The logical thing happened, didn’t you, Sister? The man could not follow us at two and chose to follow me.

Yes, but what happened next?

-The logical! I started running faster and he ran as fast as he could too.

And the logical thing happened again: he caught up with me.

Oh my God ! And what did you do?

I did the logic, I lifted my habit.

Oh Sister! And what did the man do?

He also did the logic: he unbuttoned his jacket and pulled his pants down.

Oh no ! And what happened next?

Isn’t it obvious Sister? A nun with a raised habit can run much faster than a man with his pants down.

And you, what did you think?
DIRTY MIND !!!
There are already 20 Hail Marys as penance.

Taken from the PowerPoint, of unknown author: https://fr.slideserve.com/trella/as-duas-freiras-powerpoint-ppt-presentation

Maria & Tó – to laugh

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In the midst of so many overwhelming news and comments, we have to laugh a little …

Relieve stress …!

Maria and Tó

Maria and Tó were admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

One day, during his usual walk, Tó jumped into the pool and immediately sank.

Maria quickly jumped into the pool and managed to save him.

When the director became aware of Maria’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be cured.

He sent for her and communicated to her: 

– I have good and bad news to communicate to you: The good news is that we are going to discharge you, as you have demonstrated your rational capacity to overcome a crisis situation, and save the life of a patient. Your act shows that you are recovered!

-The bad news is that Tó, after saving him, hanged himself in the bathroom with the robe belt, we are really sorry, but he is dead!

And Maria replied:

– He didn’t commit suicide, I hung it up to dry!

RACC

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Message from husband:
Honey, I was run over when I was leaving the office. Maria took me to the hospital. I’ve had several analyzes and some X-rays. The head, despite taking a big blow, has no serious injuries. But I have 3 broken ribs, an open fracture in my left leg and most likely my right foot will be amputated.
Woman’s response:
Who is Maria?!