A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world”
The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”

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“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today” Les says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

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He said “Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.”
She said “Well, you succeeded.”

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He said “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said “That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart”.

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He said “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.”

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

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My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.”
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.