Mine are better than yours…

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world”
The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”

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“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today” Les says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

****

He said “Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.”
She said “Well, you succeeded.”


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He said “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said “That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart”.

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He said “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.”

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

****

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.”
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

Jokes… LOL

IN A JOB INTERVIEW
– Sex?
– 3 times per week
– No… I mean male or female?
– Doesn’t matter!

Do you know what’s worse than a pebble in your shoe?
A grain of sand in the condom….!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing GOD she asked “Is my time up?” GOD said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a
tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of GOD, she demanded, “I thought You said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t You pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
(You will love this!!!)
GOD replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”

American joke

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

“HU’S ON FIRST

By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That’s what I want to know.

Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.

George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow’s name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?

Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That’s the man’s name.

George: That’s who’s name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That’s correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don’t want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Like dog… like owner

“Like owner, like dog”

Descrição: image001.gif@01CE952E.505DC580
The Engineer ordered his dog:
Project, show your skills!
The little dog took a hammer, some boards and in an instant built a doghouse. Everyone admitted it was a feat.
Descrição: image002.gif@01CE952E.505DC580
The Accountant said his dog could do something better:
Cash Flow, show your skills!
The dog went to the kitchen, returned with 24 muffins, divided the 24 muffins into 8 piles of 3 muffins each. Everyone admitted he was genius.
Descrição: image003.gif@01CE952E.505DC580
The Chemist said his dog could do something even better:
Oxide, show your skills!
Oxide went to the fridge, took a liter of milk, some bananas, put everything in a blender and made a smoothie. Everyone accepted that it was awesome.
Descrição: image004.gif@01CE952E.505DC580
The IT person knew he could win everyone:
Megabyte, come on!
Megabyte crossed the room, turned on the computer, checked for viruses, resized the operating system, sent an email and installed an excellent game. Everyone knew that this one was very difficult to overcome.

Everyone looked at the Politician and said: – And your dog, what can it do?

The Politician called his dog and said:
Deputy, show your skills!
Deputy in one jump, ate the dumplings, drank the milkshake, shit in the house, erased all the files from the computer, took engineering on Sunday, got his doctorate without going to classes, made a mess with the other dogs, expelled everyone exhibiting a false title to property. Then he claimed parliamentary immunity…

More real than this is impossible!

And… It’s not fiction!

Excelent way to discover vocations!

Brick Method for Hiring Employees

The method consists of:

1- Place all candidates in a warehouse
2- Make 200 bricks available for each one.
3- Don’t give any guidance on what to do.
4- Lock them there.

After six hours, go back and check what you’ve done.
Below is the analysis of the results:

1 – Those who counted the bricks, hire them as Accountants.

2 – Those who counted and then recounted the bricks are Auditors.

3 – Those who scattered the bricks are Engineers.

4 – Those who have arranged the bricks in a very strange way, difficult to understand, place them in the Production Control Planning, Projects and Implementation.

5 – Those who are throwing bricks at each other, place them in Operations.

6 – Those who are sleeping, put them in Security.

7 – Those who have chopped the bricks into pieces and are trying to assemble them again, should go straight to Information Technology.

8 – Those who are sitting around doing nothing or chatting, go to Human Resources.

9 – Those who say that they did everything to reduce the stock, but the competition is unfair and it will be necessary to think about greater facilities, are natural Sellers.

10 – Those who have already left are Administrators.

11 – Those who are looking out the window with their gaze lost in infinity, are responsible for Strategic Planning.

12 – Those who are talking to each other with their hands in their pockets demonstrating that they have not even touched the bricks and would never do that, greet them with great respect and place them in the Board.

13 – Those who built a wall and hid behind are from the Marketing Department.

14 – Those who claim not to see any bricks in the warehouse are lawyers, refer them to the Legal Department.

15 – Those who complain that the bricks “are rubbish, without identification, without standardization and with wrong measurements”, place them in Quality Control.

Yours sincerely,

The Chief Psychologist

People laugh… and pay…

FUNNY DIALOGUE (?) BETWEEN STATE AND TAXPAYER

“Taxpayer – I would like to buy a car.
State – Very well. Please choose.
Taxpayer – I’ve already chosen. Do I have to pay something?
State – Yes. Automobile Tax (ISV) and Value Added Tax (VAT)
Taxpayer – Oh… That’s all.
State – … and a “little thing” to put it around. Stamp.
Taxpayer – Oh!…
State – … and one more thing in the gasoline necessary for the car to effectively circulate. The ISP.
Taxpayer – But… without gasoline I don’t circulate.
State – I know.
Taxpayer – … But I already pay to circulate…
State – Of course!…
Taxpayer – So… are you going to charge me for the value of the gasoline?
State – Also. But that’s VAT. The ISP is something different.
Taxpayer – Different?!
State – A lot. The ISP its because gasoline exists.
Taxpayer – … Why does it exist?!
State – Many millions of years ago, dinosaurs and coal made oil. And you pay.
Taxpayer – … That’s all?
State – Only. But don’t think you can leave the car as you wish.
Taxpayer – What do you mean?!
State – You have to pay to park it.
Taxpayer – … To park it?
State – Exactly.
Taxpayer – So, I pay to walk and I pay to be stationary?
State – No. If you really want to drive the car, you need to pay insurance.
Taxpayer – So I pay to circulate, I pay to be able to circulate and I pay for being stopped.
State – Yes. We are not here to deceive anyone. Is the car new?
Taxpayer – New?
State – It’s just that if it’s not new you have to pay inorder for us to see if its able to walk around.
Taxpayer – Pay for you to see if you can charge me?
State – Of course. Do you think this is for free? There’s just one more thing…
Taxpayer – …One more thing?
State – To drive on highways
Taxpayer – But… but I already pay road tax.
State – Yes. But this is a different road.
Taxpayer – … Different?
State – Yes. Very different. It’s just for anyone who wants to.
Taxpayer – Is that all?
State – Yes. That’s all.
Taxpayer – And is it over?
Estado – Yes. After paying the 25 euros, it’s over.
Taxpayer – What 25 euros?!
State – The 25 euros it costs to walk on the highways.
Taxpayer – But didn’t you say that the highways were only for those who wanted to?
Estado – Yes. But everyone pays the 25 euros.
Taxpayer – Which 25 euros?
Estado – The 25 euros is how much the chip costs.
Taxpayer – … How much for what?
Status – Pay the chip. To be able to pay.
Taxpayer – Don’t loo…
State – Yes. Paying costs 25 euros.
Taxpayer – Does it cost 25 euros to pay?
State – Yes. Pay 25 euros to pay.
Taxpayer – But I will not drive on the highways.
Estado – Imagine that one day you want to… you have to pay.
Taxpayer – Do I have to pay to pay because one day I might want to?
State – Exactly. You pay to pay what you might want one day.
Taxpayer – What if I don’t want to?
State – Pay a forfeit.”

The two nuns

Two nuns left the convent to sell cookies

One was known as: Math Sister.

The other as: Logical Sister.

It is getting dark and we are still far from the convent! – Sister Mathematics says with concern.

And have you noticed that a man has been following us for half an hour? Says Sister Logic, apprehensive.

Yes, what does he want?

Of course, he only wants one thing: to abuse us!

Oh no ! If we continue at this pace it will reach us in less than 5 minutes. We have to speed up the pace!

But it is not working because he did the only logical thing to do: he also started walking faster!

And now what are we going to do?

The only logical thing that remains for us to do is to separate. Sister goes this way and I go the other way. So he will not be able to follow both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logic.

Sister Mathematics arrived at the convent worried about what might have happened to Brother Logic and began to pray non-stop.

After a long time, Sister Logica arrives.

Logic Sister! Thank God it arrived! Tell me what happened?

The logical thing happened, didn’t you, Sister? The man could not follow us at two and chose to follow me.

Yes, but what happened next?

-The logical! I started running faster and he ran as fast as he could too.

And the logical thing happened again: he caught up with me.

Oh my God ! And what did you do?

I did the logic, I lifted my habit.

Oh Sister! And what did the man do?

He also did the logic: he unbuttoned his jacket and pulled his pants down.

Oh no ! And what happened next?

Isn’t it obvious Sister? A nun with a raised habit can run much faster than a man with his pants down.

And you, what did you think?
DIRTY MIND !!!
There are already 20 Hail Marys as penance.

Taken from the PowerPoint, of unknown author: https://fr.slideserve.com/trella/as-duas-freiras-powerpoint-ppt-presentation