A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world”
The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”

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“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today” Les says as he stepped out of the shower, “Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

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He said “Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.”
She said “Well, you succeeded.”

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He said “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said “That’s a good idea… You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart”.

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He said “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.”

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour

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My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.”
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

IN A JOB INTERVIEW
– Sex?
– 3 times per week
– No… I mean male or female?
– Doesn’t matter!

Do you know what’s worse than a pebble in your shoe?
A grain of sand in the condom….!

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing GOD she asked “Is my time up?” GOD said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a
tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of GOD, she demanded, “I thought You said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t You pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”
(You will love this!!!)
GOD replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”